Episode 61 - The Pleasures of Sex, How to Please your Partner

Sex With Jodi!!

Learning how to connect and even more HOW TO HAVE SEX! Sex isn't just sex, it's about enjoying, connecting, and intimacy. Is it just sex? or how can you have those orgasms that you have always wanted, now the question is how can you achieve this versus just faking it? Are you pleasuring yourself, and your partner are you both achieving what you really want desire and fulfilling each other needs?
If you're not and curious about how to connect at a different level. WE GOT YOU COVERED!!!!

From the creators of XXOCONNECT meet Jodi Williams - Certified Sex Therapist & Sex, Love, and Relationship.
Learning how to turn yourself.
Use communication as a tool

Sex, Love & Relationship Coaching
https://www.xxoconnect.com/
- 10% Discount Code: DearXXO

Jodi Williams - Certified Sex Therapist
http://www.jodierin.com

Cindy's Realty Group by eXp Realty
Cindy Presgraves REALTOR®
678-650-1425
888-959-9461 ext: 1323
www.CindysRealtyGroup.com

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Email: Cindy@cindysrealtygroup.com

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Transcript

Cindy: 0:01

Hi everyone and welcome to Dear Baddies, Boyfriends, Bitches Dating and Everything in Between. We have Jody with us today. She is a certified sex therapist. We interviewed Jason Liebowitz a few weeks ago on our podcast, who runs the XXOconnect.com, which is the whole human experience. And we are so excited to have you Jody on this call. We cannot wait to pick your brain on all things. Sex. So thank you so much for joining us today. Thank you for having me. Yeah, so excited. Yeah, we're super excited to have you too. Yeah, we are.

Nicole: 0:43

Oh, yeah. I know. And he's talked about this on for a while. I'm excited. So so if you could, can you just give us a little bit of background on what you do? And how you help?

Jodi: 0:53

Sure. Sure. So, like you said, I'm a certified sex therapist. And what that is, is basically like a normal therapist, but I am trained to help people with sexual issues, sexual health problems, relationship issues, things like that. So when people come to see me, they, they get to have this safe space where they get to talk and ask questions and explore everything about sex. The cool thing is that there's like, there's, there's nothing people can't talk about, or are asked about. So I get to go really deep with my clients about whatever's going on with them around sex.

Nicole: 1:35

That's awesome. What's your favorite topic? I have to know.

Jodi: 1:37

Oh, my goodness. kink. I love to talk about kink for like, 24 hours a day? Yeah.

Cindy: 1:45

So when so what do you mean by kink?

Jodi: 1:49

kink. So, um, you know, anything that might be considered more alternative, right? So people who are interested in things like BDSM, or who have specific fetishes, different things that turn them on that might seem like it's out of the mainstream? Although, I think more and more, we're realizing that I think everybody has something that that turns them on that might seem different, or they might think is unusual. But turns out, I think a lot of people have things in their sexual repertoire that are a little different.

Cindy: 2:25

That is really interesting. Because I mean, getting to know like, I've seen a lot of like people into bondage. I mean, especially with 50 Shades of Grey, I mean, that actually open a whole Pandora's box about like, and then you see people with heat fetishes and hand fetishes and who finishes and all the different things. And it's just like, what even join fetishes.

Jodi: 2:49

I mean, you know, I think that anything can be a fetish or a kink, I think that it's human human nature to take something and you know, be turned on by it. And 50 Shades of Grey, I could do a whole episode on that. So I won't get on my soapbox. But I'm just gonna say that with 50 Shades of Grey, I didn't read the book, but I did see the movie. It's a really poor representation of a DS relationship for BDSM. So just want to put that out there. But I did think one good thing about it is that I think it opened people's minds to the fact that they might be interested in having some sort of power dynamic in their relationships or in their sexual relationships.

Nicole: 3:32

How do you get started with with that type of career, like, did you go to college thinking like, oh, I want to be a therapist, and then just kind of stumbled into this? Or how did that happen?

Jodi: 3:41

Kind of that's kind of exactly how it went down. So like I didn't start out as a as a sex therapist. But what happened is I been practicing as a therapist for about 1112 years now. And when I started a private practice, I didn't really have a specialty. But I noticed that people came in and started feeling really comfortable opening up about their sex lives, about what's going on for them about fantasies, issues in relationships. And I realized that people had a really easy time opening up to me, and that I really enjoyed these conversations. And I was getting, I was just really enjoying helping people with this aspect of their lives. And I'm like, you know, I could get certified in this. And there's a whole education path of like extra extra education to become a certified sex therapist. And once I had that idea, and I went for that extra training and supervision I haven't looked back it's been like, like a really cool way to help people.

Nicole: 4:44

That's awesome. That earlier to me about communication and how communicating before you actually have sex is more important than the actual sex and I cannot agree with you more, but it just it seems like a Guess in 2022 when we're dating and you're hooking up like we live in hookup culture, basically, you know, so, especially with Tinder, I think Tinder, we can all agree. It's basically a hookup app. But it doesn't happen where there's communication before the actual act. You know, we're, we're going into it almost blind. And we're disappointed a lot of the time.

Jodi: 5:24

Oh, yeah. Yeah. And I can't tell you how many people, like, say that they're too embarrassed to talk about sex, or even people in long term relationships, where it's like, oh, well, what happens when you talk about sex? And like, we don't talk about sex? And it's like, well, how can

Cindy: 5:39

you? But that's why, if you're going to be intimate with that person, it's just like, wouldn't you want to be, you know, you wouldn't? What do you want to talk to them? Like, hey, this is what I like, what I'm like, like, so when I'm actually into a really well, in a relationship, or I'm starting to talk to someone, well, not starting to talk to someone. But when I get to know that person more in depth, and I want something serious, then that's where I say, okay, these are the things that I want. This isn't thing I, but then again, I'm very open, I'm not ashamed of, of sex, because that's something natural for us. Right?

Jodi: 6:15

Absolutely. And I think that people get in trouble when they don't let themselves talk about sex, talk about what they want. Talk about what kind of sex they want to have before they have it talk about how the sex was after they had it so that they can improve their connection next time. I see so many issues that would be totally fixed if people just felt more comfortable talking about sex. And I think that, as a society, there's still such a stigma. And there's so much shame around sex, which is why we don't talk about it.

Cindy: 6:49

So do you think that people would have a better relationship? Better, better relationship better sex life, if they communicating about sex and open about their real fantasies and the things that they really want to try out? Oh, 100% 100%.

Jodi: 7:07

I think that, like people get scared that they're going to be judged if they're open and honest with their partners about what they really want, or what their fantasies are. But I mean, think about it, what an amazing way to be intimate and to connect with somebody by sharing something that personal. And then to be able to play with your partner and to create something together. I mean, I can't think of anything that that's more special.

Nicole: 7:32

Do you see more? I guess, single people or do you see more couples?

Jodi: 7:37

It's a combination. Really? Yeah, I mean, people really come to me for all sorts of things. You know, somebody with like, I've seen people who have just gotten they just like left a marriage, they had a divorce, and they want to explore who they are as a sexual being as a single sexual being. I've seen people who have been in marriages for years, people who have just started dating each other. Yeah, I mean, people, people come to me with with their sexual issues and things like that in all stages of relationships. What do you Sorry, guys?

Cindy: 8:17

So what do you think that would be better to start, like a healthy sexual relationship? In a relation in a relationship or the early stages of sex?

Jodi: 8:29

Like, what do you think would be helpful to to make a relationship work? Is that what you're asking? Sexually, sexual relationship? I mean, communication, I think talking about things talking about what you want. Maybe like what you're worried about, you know, after you after you have sex, talking about what went well, what can be different next time, what you might want to try differently. You know, so much of what makes sex good is actually what goes on in your brain. Right? So what goes on from feeling turned on by your partner connected with your partner, I think that is equally if not more important than the physical act of, of merging and being together. It's that combination. So getting really comfortable with with talking to your partner and trying to open up about like who you are as a sexual being.

Nicole: 9:30

That's awesome. So what what do you think is the like the number one question you get, most of the time? Is there is there one in particular you can think of that? Like? I mean, I'm sure you get a lot, a lot of questions.

Jodi: 9:45

Yeah. So I mean, when it comes to therapy, people are usually coming in less with questions and more with situations that they need support around. You know, and usually it's it's connected with not only what's going on presently in their lives, but also what's happening, what happened in the past, and how it might be impacting present day. Besides from doing therapy, I also do sex love and relationship coaching. And that can be more like asking for advice or asking specific questions. And I think in that realm, I think a lot of it is around like, like dating and when is the best time to have sex when you first meet somebody?

Nicole: 10:28

What do you think it is? Just,

Jodi: 10:30

I mean, that's a different answer, but all have different answers. I always say to people, and I stand behind this, but it really depends on on what you want. Right? Like, if you're going out there, and you just you want to hook up, you want to experience like a whole buffet of different sexual experiences. And like, that's your goal, then, like, it really doesn't matter. I would say as soon as you feel safe with a person. I think that for most of us feeling safe, is a prerequisite for having really amazing expansive sex, right? Because you need to feel safe to feel vulnerable, and vulnerability and being able to open up like that, that allows you to relax and surrender to the experience of sex. For most of us, some people get turned on by being scared. But I would say most of us need to feel some sense of security and safety.

Nicole: 11:27

I think there is an American Horror Story episode on.

Cindy: 11:31

I haven't I haven't picked up on that. You all haven't checked that one out.

Jodi: 11:35

Yeah, yeah. I'm really, really watched the first season. So I might let let me know later. And I will check that out. But I will say that for like the second part, the second part of that question is, if you're somebody that's really, really you only want to have sex with somebody, if you're in a committed relationship, well, then it makes sense to like, wait, and to get to know the person and to wait until there's some sort of commitment there. But it really I think, depends on what your goal is as a person.

Nicole: 12:07

Do you think having sex on the first date sets the precedence for the rest of their relationship?

Jodi: 12:15

No, because it really it depends on it depends on who you're with. Right? Like, right, I think that if you're, let's say, you're going out there, and you meet somebody who's only interested in fucking you, I can say that, right? Yeah, of course. So they're only interested in fucking you? Well, it doesn't matter if you fuck them on the first date, or on the third date, they're only interested in one thing. But if you're if you're meeting up with somebody who really wants to get to know you, as a person who wants to be in a relationship, then I don't think it actually matters. When you have sex. Again, I do think that for most of us, it's really helpful to feel safe and comfortable. If we if you want to have good sex. Also, having good sex is easier when when you feel like you can communicate, and not everybody feels comfortable doing that on the first day.

Cindy: 13:08

So what do you think like, you know, 16? Do you think that is something that is helpful before having sex with someone?

Jodi: 13:17

That's a really good question. I think I'm of two minds. I think that on one hand, it can be really, really sexy foreplay. I think that when you're already in a relationship, sexting can be an amazing tool. Right? You're, you're in a relationship with somebody and you're gonna see them later that night. So you start that foreplay earlier on the day, by sexing. I think that that's awesome. The way that I've seen it go bad, is if you haven't like met up yet, and you just start sexing. And it makes the whole thing about sex. And then, you know, when you try to have a conversation about something else, so you try to go deep in a different way, that person is like, No, I just want a sex with you. Like that's, that's all we're doing. So, again, I can see, I can see it both ways. Another positive about it is it can help you get a sense of like who the other person is, sexually and who you are sexually, I can help you find out if you're compatible. But I've also I've talked to people who they're a lot wilder, when it comes to sexting and then when they're in the room with somebody, they don't want to do that. And that can be confusing. I'm a

Nicole: 14:31

little opposite. I can save my life. There was one time I had to call one of my girlfriends, she's super good at it. And I was like, What the fuck do I say? Like, I don't know what to say like, I know that this is going to be a fun thing, but I am lost. But then if when I'm in person with that person, it's like alright, let's fucking go. You know, but I think sending your left eye Are you this? Are you the opposite, I think? No, I'm

Cindy: 14:57

both but it's just like so you start sex. Seeing with someone and then when you're in person is like, What the fuck did you just do? Like seriously? Like, it was all like this? I mean, I mean with this whole thing that you were sexting and all that, and then in bed, you're just crap. Like, awful like,

Nicole: 15:15

yeah, what's the point I'm in your fist

Jodi: 15:19

up. But part of that also is when you're face to face, like you're reading each other's energy, you're feeling each other, you're there with each other. And you're like CO creating this sexual interplay. When you're sexing. It's like a one sided. It's like you could be saying anything to anybody.

Nicole: 15:36

I have to ask you, because I've tried to make this argument so many times with different men that I've dated. And I'm sorry to my current boyfriend, who's probably going to listen to this but him as well. But how long? Should women I guess? How do I say this? foreplay? How long? Does it take a woman to get warmed up? Because I know that a lot of our audience is men, and I think they need to hear this. Oh,

Jodi: 16:05

well, I'm so glad you gave me a platform, right. So number one, and I know I use the word foreplay earlier, but I hate the word foreplay. Because it insinuates that this is Plitt this is what you do before the play happens. Okay. Right. When, like, like, like, what's foreplay? Coming? Like, what are your what's your favorite? foreplay?

Nicole: 16:31

My favorite personally, I like kissing I like, you know, I don't know, like, my boyfriend comes up and like kind of puts his, his face behind the back of my neck. I'm like, Alright, chills, let's go. You know, yeah. Okay, kissing. It's very, like, for me, it's simple. It's not, you know, in depth kind of thing. It's just make an effort. You know, also when he says, you know, that I'm pretty or, you know, but then that comes that words of affirmation kind of thing that I'm a big fan of. Okay, so

Jodi: 17:02

like compliments and words of affirmation. Okay. Cindy, what about you?

Cindy: 17:07

Man? It's been a while. I'm sorry. I'm trying down there.

Unknown: 17:12

No. I haven't had

Cindy: 17:17

good sex. You know how long you haven't had good sex. It's been like almost over two years. Stop it. I'm serious. I'm, I've been speaking single. And it's just like, every time that I like I do a hookup or it's just a disappointment. I get off on Bob. Like my vibrator. It's so much better than I love that

Jodi: 17:38

bomb. You know? Honestly, I mean, that's having a relationship with yourself. Right? And being able to pleasure yourself is like very, very important.

Cindy: 17:52

I mean, like, Y'all need to get that joy. If

Nicole: 17:56

you haven't. Holy shit, which toward the rose, I want to go grab it and like, show you

Cindy: 18:01

I have the amazing. Is it a changer? Yes, it is. It's just like stuck on your clitoris. Because. So I love playing with my clitoris. And I mean, because I mean, it's, it's stimulating. I mean, that's where I learned. I mean, my or, I mean, I have an orgasm and all that. And it's just like, but the rows and having toys. I mean, well, I have a relationship, a sexual relationship with myself. I'm not playing with anybody. But I mean, it's just like, yeah, that is. That's like the best sex I've ever had.

Jodi: 18:35

So let me ask you, so would you consider playing with a toy? Could would that be considered foreplay for you?

Cindy: 18:41

Yeah, definitely. Oh, and let me let me not even tell you about the furniture. So I'm half that's furniture. Yeah. And it's I mean, like the Liberator or some Yes, the liberator. But I want to get into, is it a chest thing or something? But there's different types of, I can't believe I'm talking about this, but there's different types of for, like furniture for the liberator, but there's one that you can actually put a dildo on it, and you can just play with it. Like, right it.

Jodi: 19:12

That's amazing.

Nicole: 19:14

I've seen porn.

Jodi: 19:18

I think that, like,

Nicole: 19:19

I know women don't want to admit to watching porn. But listen.

Cindy: 19:23

Yeah. I mean, I watch porn, too. I mean, it's just like, Oh my god. So yeah, I mean, it's not. I mean, especially when I mean, I read stuff about it all the time. I mean, but sometimes you need to fantasize and all that, especially when you're by yourself. I mean, this is what we're talking about. Honestly.

Jodi: 19:39

I mean, nothing wrong with that. It is healthy to masturbate. Also, when you know what turns you on, and what gives you pleasure. When you're with somebody that makes it more likely that you're going to have a good time with them because you know how your body works.

Cindy: 19:55

That is correct. What is the healthy amount of times that you should masturbate? is on a daily basis?

Jodi: 20:02

Hmm. Well, I'll tell you what is what is not healthy. So what is not healthy is if your masturbation gets in the way of you having healthy relationships in the way of you going to school working, being present for your families, if you're masturbating so much that you can't live the rest of your life in a way that works for you, that's too much. Besides that, if it's feeling good to you, and you're enjoying it, and, and it's not getting in the way of other things, then masturbation is an incredibly healthy thing to do. But I want to go back for a second before we totally can speak and go up in so many different directions about the foreplay thing, because this is really important. So you guys gave me some really good examples. So kissing, compliments and words of affirmations, and then toys could be considered like foreplay, right? The reason I don't like the word foreplay is because those things should happen all throughout sex. Right? Sex should not be considered just penetration. And a lot of times when we say sex, we think it is penis and vagina for straight folks. And that that sex but as far as what we know, a lot of women, people with vulvas don't orgasm, just from penetration. We often need that external stimulation. Listen to me, guys, because I've met with a lot of guys that get confused or surprised when their female partner does an orgasm from penetration. And a lot of times while some women will fake orgasms, so these guys think that their partners are having orgasms when they're not. And then

Nicole: 21:47

I've done it once we've I think we've all done.

Cindy: 21:50

Of course, we have a whole set of my life and be like, so I mean, it's interesting, because I'll go into this too, later, too, later into this conversation. But it's really interesting, because you have it's just like they don't, they can play with it, but they don't play with it. And some people don't even know how to like, like, like, rub it or stimulate it. And it's not a button What the heck. I mean, like,

Jodi: 22:20

Do you know where that comes from? So a lot of times because sex education is so bad in this country, they learn from porn, and porn is terrible sex education.

Cindy: 22:29

You can't take classes from porn. Sorry, you cannot.

Jodi: 22:34

Luckily, there's a lot of options today to get like good sex education, especially online. But yeah, like, yeah. So my point here is that it would be great for for guys to know that. These things that turn your partner on the kissing the complements the toys, you should be using it not only in the beginning of sex to prepare for penetration, but use it during penetration, right? Use it after penetration. If you've had an orgasm, and your partner hasn't had an orgasm yet. So to answer your question to call from a while ago, I don't think there's an amount of minutes. Right. Like, being in the the whole point of foreplay, I'm doing the quotes with my fingers is not to shouldn't be to prepare you for penetration, right? And I guess the other answer to your question is, you should not do penetration until your partner feels really, really aroused. Because it's not going to feel good. You got to be really, really aroused. To be ready for that dick.

Cindy: 23:38

So I have another question here is who should finish first the woman or the man?

Jodi: 23:45

I don't think there's a should there I think that, like, it doesn't matter who finishes first, as long as sex doesn't stop when somebody finishes.

Nicole: 23:57

I think that happens so much with women is like, you know, the man gets off, however long that takes, and then it's just over. And I know like for myself, like I get really, really frustrated. If I'm with somebody that does that. It's I like I want to punch you, you know, like, almost there. And then you're just fucking done. Like, sir, goodbye.

Jodi: 24:20

That's a failure on your partner. Right? Because let's say that he has an orgasm and he you know, he's done a new still going, well, then he should, you know, go down on you, or you should finger you or go get a toy out. You know, using toys at the same time as penetration is like, can be a really, really sexy thing. And I know that there are some guys out there who feel insecure when a woman brings a toy out in bed, and they shouldn't. They shouldn't because, again, a lot of us need that external stimulation and the toy along with his penis is a really amazing combination.

Cindy: 24:58

So I was going to ask you if About the toys because a lot of men have not used toys, or they're embarrassed of using toys, or even going to a sex store is like, fine. Why are we talking about this? So how can we actually change that that perspective in men and women that toys are not bad? Because when I was little, my mom would say you never use a vibrator because then you don't want the you don't want the real dick. That's not true.

Jodi: 25:28

Now, it's a different sensation. Totally, it is a totally

Cindy: 25:32

different sensation. Plus, the vibrator doesn't touch you. The human body does touch you. And then you feel that warmth and connection and all that I love.

Jodi: 25:43

You feel this way. You get the kami ride, you get the kissing, you get the the energetic connection. Yeah, toys are a partner. You should think of toys as being a partner in our sexuality.

Nicole: 26:00

I'm interested to know more about this. What is it? What did you call it? The one that you like, sit on and you rap?

Cindy: 26:06

Oh, that's the which one? Are we talking about? The one that you put the tilde on? Or? Yeah. Because I have said I have several furnitures. And they, I mean, I do. So but you know, the funny thing. So I the one that I want to buy is like the Chaston, the one that you actually lay down. And you actually have so many positions, and there's the one that you can actually cut them. You can be cuffed and all that. Oh, wow. Yeah, so it's like 600 or $800. But I haven't gotten it because I mean, I haven't had sex in a very, very long time. And the person that my ex boyfriend, so I'll tell you this a little bit more. I know he's gonna hate me for this, but he'll never hear this. So he has erectile dysfunction. And it was really hard because he never took care of it. And, and it's just like, but I mean, that would have been good for him to see a six therapists or talk to, you know, talk to see how that would be able to be worked on. Yeah, but So yeah, that's why I say I haven't had good sex in a very, very long time.

Jodi: 27:15

Like, I want to just put this out there for any of the guys listening to this is that erectile dysfunction is something that can be treated. And I know, there's a lot of shame about it. But the first step is like talking to your doctor about it, and then maybe going to see a sex therapist, because it can be treated. So it's not something to be ashamed of.

Cindy: 27:33

And a lot of men are ashamed of that. Not I mean, it's true. But it's just like, is it a mental thing? I mean, yes, it can be treated with medication and all that. But it's your way of them being able to take away that shame, you know, and be like, hey, you know what, I can actually make it work.

Jodi: 27:52

Yeah, and, and talking to a therapist can help with that, because they can process that shame, right? If it's a physical thing, that medication is going to help and you know, even if it is a physical thing, talking to a therapist about that shame can help them feel better about it. Erectile dysfunction can sometimes be like a feedback loop. Like there's so much nervousness and anxiety about having erectile dysfunction, that then they get in their own head about it, and it makes it worse.

Nicole: 28:20

Are there a lot of men that have that issue? Like, because I'm assuming there's so many commercials about it? And, you know, different ads on the internet? Like, is this more common than maybe we realize?

Jodi: 28:33

I don't know, numbers, but I think it probably is really common, because we don't talk about it. Right? Like if we were all talking about the fact that it happens sometimes. Oh, you know, the other thing that happens is that it's not erectile dysfunction. But sometimes when you're a guy and you're having sex, sometimes you lose your erection. And that's normal. But because we don't talk about it, guys get so in their head, and they're like, Oh, my God, something's wrong with me. I have this problem. And then that causes the problem, because they're just so worried about, about that happening, that they get in their head, and it causes a dysfunction. It is just knew that it happens sometimes. And they and and their partners were like, Oh, that's not a big deal, then it might not turn into an actual issue. Yeah,

Nicole: 29:17

like men. If you're listening, hear me when I say this, it is not that big of a deal. It is okay. It is

Cindy: 29:24

okay. Definitely. I completely agree. Because I remember I was with one person with a guy and he was so freaking nervous. And he's like, I've never had this before. Like he like all sudden he couldn't get it up. I mean, and it was like so embarrassing for him. I'm like, don't worry about it. It is fine. And he was like, No, that has never happened for me. And he was like, I'm telling you when he was sweating, he was sweating. Like in drips and I'm like, don't worry about it. It's okay. I mean, yeah.

Jodi: 29:58

You know, like, I think my fear Have a piece of advice about that is that if that happens in your straight guy, go down. And even if you're if you're gay, that happens go down on your partner.

Nicole: 30:10

Yeah, I totally agree with that. Your partner

Jodi: 30:13

is going to be enjoying it. And then you're probably going to get turned on again, because your partner's enjoying it, and then you'll be hard again, it'll be ready to have penetrative sex.

Nicole: 30:22

So let me ask you this. So I know with a lot of guys that I've been with in the past, it's one and done, right? And, and I don't, I don't necessarily need, you know, like, let's go 14,000 fucking times. But like, if but then they go once they come once, and that's it. Like they're turned off, they're done. They want to go to sleep. How do you combat that? As you know, if you're a woman dating a man, how do you combat that and get them to, I guess, help you finish? Since they already have?

Jodi: 30:54

That's a great question. So as guys get older, it gets, like harder and harder to you know, get back up and and have sex, right? So, and there are certain ways there's certain like tantric techniques, it's guys can learn to have multiple orgasms or to last longer, but that's like a different conversation. I think having a conversation communicating that, you know, it's important to you that after they are done that they you know, still attend to you. If your pleasure is important to them. And if you're dating them, their your pleasure should be important to them, then they should prioritize helping you get off.

Nicole: 31:31

So it's their fault. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Jodi: 31:34

I would say that. It's no one's fault. We're not taught this right. You watch porn. And the woman has this like, amazing screeching Screaming Orgasm at the same time that the guys coming in. That's what they expect sex to be like. And then when they have sex, that doesn't happen. And it's confusing. It's i Let's blame it on porn. Not that I think porn is bad, but I think we should look at porn as like a tool or art not as education. Yeah,

Cindy: 32:00

that is true. It's just like going to a strip club be like, oh, you know what? Yeah, she's naked is just, same thing.

Nicole: 32:06

I think it's strip clubs. Like you're gonna get fucked, but you're not gonna get fucked. You know what I mean? I love strip clubs. I think they're, I think they're so fun, especially like for women. Cindy, I think that should be our next outing.

Cindy: 32:19

Let's go. Let's go. I've been I've been to strip clubs before. I mean, it's not like, Hey, you miss something, or anything. But it's just like, there's the concept of, you know, oh, you know what that's like, beneath people and all that. Oh, how dare you like it? My parents would probably find out that I went to court, especially my mom. She'll be like, What is wrong with you? What type of person have you become? And that is a whole perspective of things. It's just like, you can learn a lot about strip clubs. I mean, pole dancing is something pure, you know, has become something very popular in the bedroom. Well, it's

Nicole: 32:52

great exercise.

Cindy: 32:54

Oh, yeah, that's true.

Nicole: 32:55

I know. I saw it tick tock earlier today about the girl, this girl that was a little heavyset. And she bought a poll put it in her room. And she just had the utmost confidence when she learned how to do it. And I just I have so much respect for people that can do that, like conquer their fear, you know, but

Jodi: 33:14

it's really empowering. Oh, yeah. Have you ever taken like a pole dancing class?

Nicole: 33:18

No, but I bought the Carmen striptease thing, like 20 years ago. And like, nothing what that video was, I think it was on VHS, too. But it was amazing. And I probably shouldn't have owned something like that. I was probably under 18. But But yeah, it was great.

Jodi: 33:38

It's empowering. Like helps you have a sexy relationship with yourself.

Nicole: 33:44

Yeah, maybe we should do that Sunday.

Cindy: 33:46

No, there's actually a there's a there's a pole dancing class here in Atlanta. So we can actually go and they also have like, it's interesting, because the more I get involved in, in this is just like, there are six classes at how to how to say this. All right, sorry, but I'm gonna be a little bit longer how to give a blow job, or how to give a lap dance. And I'm like, Oh, that's interesting, because I've never thought about that. Or yeah, how to like how to become sexy. And a lot of people like, they don't know about this, or they don't know how to become better in bed. You know, missionary style is not the only position that you can actually get pleasure with and you can actually fantasize and you can be creative in bed, like, Hey, let's go ahead and do some Kamasutra. Or let's go ahead and bring some food to the bed. Let me some whipped cream off your crotch, or and some people are afraid of that. So what are your thoughts on that Jodi and Nicole?

Jodi: 34:49

Again, it comes down to communication, right? Being able to say like, Hey, there's this thing. It's kind of weird. I'm kind of scared to bring it up. But it turns me on. Can I share it with you? I mean, Most people are going to be like, Yeah. And, you know, doesn't mean you have to do everything that your partner brings up. But being able to have a conversation, you know, even if you're like, I don't know if I want to try this, but maybe I do want to try it. And just like, being able to talk about it and to, to share with your partner, it's incredibly vulnerable, to share that. And that builds connection and love.

Nicole: 35:23

Like, honestly, every podcast that we've had every person that we've interviewed every dating coach, the always the theme is communication. So yep. I mean, I feel like you can conquer anything with with communication, you know, and I really think it boils down to that one term, you know, to get, I don't want to say, to get what we want, but to have our needs met.

Jodi: 35:49

Something that I some issue that I see with couples a lot. Is this, this assumption that your partner can read your mind.

Nicole: 35:59

Yeah. Oh, so like, I think women are mad about that, you

Jodi: 36:03

know, or expecting your partner to know exactly what you want, when you want it and how you're feeling like they're not psychic. So being able to communicate and like knowing that your partner can't read your mind.

Nicole: 36:14

I wish they could. I do, but I don't. Why? Why do you wish? Oh, why do I wish that they could? Yeah. Um, I think when it comes to sex, that would, that would be great. Like, read my mind, I want you to know what to do at all times. But But then if you if you think about it another way, I'm at fault for not communicating what I want, because he doesn't know. And if I don't, if I don't tell him he doesn't know. And I, you know, I tell my I have a seven year old I tell her that all the time. I don't know unless you tell me. So and she's she's a Capricorn. So she's very emotional. But she, she's learning, you know, as she grows, that you have to communicate, you have to tell me what you want, because I can't read your mind.

Jodi: 36:57

Yeah, but I think the thing around sex is that there's so much stigma, and there can be so much shame that it can be hard to say, I want this. And I think that's what stops people.

Cindy: 37:07

But I think it's just, I mean, it's about being open to, and being vulnerable. Because especially when you're in that relationship, and you want to be sexually satisfied, at all levels, it's like, I want you to go down on me now. And it's just like, so the way that I have sex, if I ever get to have sex again, eventually, well. It's just like, you know, you communicate and you'd be like, I'm like, hey, you know, what do you like this? Is it? Is that? Is that what you like? And it's just like, even though it sounds silly, you're actually communicating with that person saying, Okay, this is how I like it. No, no, I don't like it that way. Are you going too hard? Or, you know, my head hurts. So just change the position or something? You know, it's things like that, or kiss me around the neck or kiss, you know, play with my ears or something? It's the communication because at the end of the day, women are male, or doesn't matter what gender you are, and what gender you like. It's about communication, because neither of us can read minds.

Jodi: 38:14

Even taking their hand and guiding it down and showing them how you like your clip to be touched. Right. Showing them how you like to be touched. I think a lot of guys would find that really sexy. Oh, I'm sure.

Cindy: 38:28

Yeah. But I'm here. What here's my thing, sometimes when you are like to communicate it or to upfront because Nicole, you know this from me, I'm like, Okay, this is how I like it that Edyta like, oh, wait, there's

Nicole: 38:42

no way a little bit which I would think as a as a man or someone that you are going to hook up with man or woman. I would think that the open communication would be something desirable. So I totally understand your frustration with that. Yeah,

Jodi: 38:57

I think it's an ego thing. I think it's like, I'm a man, I should know how to do this. Oh, yeah. You know, if she tells me what to do, that means like, maybe I'm not man enough. And I think we just we have to challenge that because again, I don't care what gender you are, none of us are mind reader's. And everybody is different.

Nicole: 39:16

I know I love the ones that are like, Oh, I can make you come boy, bye. Bye. Like if that's like, Great,

Jodi: 39:23

let's let's like Go for it. Go for it.

Nicole: 39:26

I feel like if that's the first conversation that we have is Oh, you're gonna make me come sir. Goodbye. You know, obviously you're the one

Cindy: 39:35

is that all because I didn't feel a thing.

Jodi: 39:39

It's like what else to offer me.

Nicole: 39:41

You know what I want to point out also that like, dick size, Dick length is not all that it's cracked up to be. I've had some that are bigger than others, but the bigger ones are not always better.

Jodi: 39:54

I love that. You're saying that. The bigger the deck.

Cindy: 39:57

They don't know how to use it. I mean, like, did I put in the right hole. You can even put it in a hole. Do you know how to aim? Have you ever had sex? And it's just like, wow, really? Okay. Um, wow. Yeah.

Jodi: 40:12

So I love. I love that you said that because I've spoken to a lot of men who get really insecure about the size of their decks. And I said a lot of stuff to them so much is that, you know, most, most women are not complaining about the size of your dick. They're complaining about how you treat them. They're complaining about you not being open to trying different things in bed. Yep. And so I'm glad that you said that to the guys in the audience.

Cindy: 40:39

Because it's true. It's all about the foreplay. It's all about like, hey, oh, uh, yeah, besides the foreplay and all that, it's like, how you treat it. How you? I mean, are you able to go down or not? In some, okay, so this is another thing is keep no teeth. Yes, no tea. But some, some men don't like, they don't like going down. Or some women don't like being gold. I like having their pussy eaten. And it's just like, it's interesting, because some men love doing that. And some women don't like that.

Nicole: 41:12

You can find your niche, I guess.

Jodi: 41:14

Yeah, you gotta find what you like. I mean, I some some women don't like it. There's so many different reasons, right? Like some women don't like the way that a tongue feels on their clutter on their vulva. Some women have had a bad experience, right? I've had somebody who didn't make them feel good, or who made them feel uncomfortable? So even that's about talking like, Oh, you don't like that? What don't you like about it? Have you ever had a time when you did like it? What would make you more comfortable? And again, I think that a lot of times people don't know how to go down on somebody because they learned it from porn. And that's again, not a good. It's not good education about how to go down on somebody. Yeah.

Nicole: 41:54

So if you're a man, how, how would you learn? Since that's not really something that's talked about? Super widely? How do you learn how to go down on somebody?

Jodi: 42:05

You know, like you were saying before, there's more of these like sexual education classes. There are Yeah, you know, I would Google like, if there's any local, local classes, or I know that there's stuff online. There's this website. You know, the website? OMG yes.com?

Nicole: 42:21

I don't know that one.

Jodi: 42:23

Do you know it? Sounds? Yes. I'm writing? Oh, mg. Yes, I think that's what it is. Although we should double check if you're gonna put it in the show notes. I don't, I don't work for them or anything. But it's like a really cool. Like, it's an education site where you get to look at different vulvas. And you get to see how like, different ways of touching cliffs in different ways. I don't know if they have ones of oral sex. It's been a little while since I've looked at it. But it's an education about pleasure. And it's mostly for people with Volvo's to learn how to give self pleasure, but I'm sure it would be also educational for people that have that have sex with women.

Cindy: 43:05

That's brilliant. Intro speaking of websites that are useful, I kind of want to turn the conversation to xx Oh, connect. Yeah. So and so our interview with Jason, that was probably one of my favorites that we had. He's, he's brilliant. And I love I love the website. I love everything that you guys are doing. Ken, would you mind just, I guess, telling our audience a little bit about like what you do with that

Jodi: 43:30

website? Yeah, yeah. So I do two things with the website. I offer sex, love and relationship coaching. I don't do therapy on there. But I do have a room where I do coaching, where people come in with their questions about their relationships, about sex, and about intimacy. And, you know, some people pop in just with a question. Some people come in every week, and we're kind of like following the saga of their lives. And it's amazing seeing how people connect with each other and grow and get confident around relationships and things like that. And then I'm also the chief, the chief culture officer of XXO. So I do some more like, like, working around making sure that the work we do is aligned with the company's culture and things like that. But it's a really awesome platform. I've, I've never had an experience, where you get to have like, these live video rooms and connections. So many of the things online now are like, you sign up and you watch a video, or you sign up and you can stream something. But with xx Oh, connect. There's all these different rooms with the different topics where you get to go and work with a teacher or a coach and you get to work with like the other members. And it's really just like a beautiful community that's growing. So it's really fun.

Nicole: 44:53

It's awesome. Like I've checked out the website, and it's, it's brilliant because I love the fact that you have to work on yourself before You can get into some sort of like healthy relationship. And I think that's so important to point out. You know, like, if you feel toxic if you have toxic behavior, don't get into a relationship with somebody that doesn't have those qualities. Well, yeah, look for that.

Jodi: 45:17

Especially if you haven't done your own work to like love and accept yourself, you're going to be attracting people who also don't love themselves. And then it's just a, it's a toxic, it can create a toxic codependent relationship, where you got both people who don't love and don't accept themselves, and then they don't treat each other very well. So good. You're on a platform like this, where you work on loving yourself accepting yourself, and then you know, then you have this opportunity to meet other people who are also really value, self development and wellness.

Cindy: 45:51

So for our listeners, the website again, it's XXOConnect.com. And then there if you sign up, I think, is it today there's a 10% off discount code.

Jodi: 46:03

Yeah, just for your listeners. So it's DEARXXO Is the coupon.

Cindy: 46:11

Thank you. And we'll put that in the in the show notes. So so you guys can can see that. And then we are going to have Jason sent me an affiliate link that we're going to post on our, on our Instagram Tik Tok in Facebook. So, Cindy, do you have any other questions for Jodi? No. Is there anything that we should ask or so forth? That you can think of

Nicole: 46:34

anything we need to know going forward? Single or not?

Jodi: 46:39

Ah, let's see.

Nicole: 46:40

The best advice you ever given? No, I'm kidding.

Jodi: 46:44

That's a really good question. I should like think of that and write that down. No, I think like, the relationship with you, that you have with yourself is the most important relationship you're ever going to be in. Because you're going to be with yourself forever, right? So as long as you are here, you're going to be with yourself. So learning to accept yourself learning to love yourself, learning to make yourself come, right, learning what turns you on, learning what you want from a relationship, learning what your values are, and really learning to like, love yourself, learning to get turned on by yourself. And by the things that make you unique and special. That's the best advice I think I can give because when you get turned on by who you are, that makes you a magnet for all the things you want to attract the kind of sex partners everything. And so yeah, build that relationship with yourself. Masturbate. Enjoy that self pleasure. Yeah, and meet like minded people because that builds you up also.

Nicole: 47:55

I love it. Awesome. Well, thank you so much for being on our show and and talking to us and being brutally honest with us. So we're super appreciative.

Jodi: 48:08

Thank you for having me. This was fun.

Nicole: 48:10

Yeah, yes. Thank you for listening to Dear Baddies, Boyfriends, Bitches Dating and Everything in Between. We will talk to you guys soon.

Cindy: 48:23

Bye till next time.