Episode 62 - Exploring Your Partner Needs for Your Intimacy!

Exploring Your Partner Needs for Your Intimacy!

Discovering your partners needs and to improve your intimacy, cuffing season and more!

Sex, Love & Relationship Coaching
https://www.xxoconnect.com/
- 10% Discount Code: DearXXO

Transcript

Cindy: 0:01

Hi everyone, welcome to Dear Baddies, Boyfriends, BitchesDating and Everything in between. Special episode today with myself, Nicole, AF and Cindy. Cindy presgraves. So thank you guys for listening and joining us on this journey that we are on. Let's get into it. So the first thing I want to talk about today is something that I think a lot of people in relationships married, not married go through is, when you've been with someone for so long, let's say like five plus years, when you stop having sex, you have a conversation. It's not reciprocated, it's happening. It happened to me, honestly, in my marriage, and it's happening to a friend of mine and his wife currently. So he came to me it was like, hey, I need your advice. Because I've tried to talk to her. I don't know what else to do. We're not having sex. And I'm to the point where I'm horny all the time. And I just want a blow job. And I know a lot of men say that. And so I had to ask, you know, how long has it actually been? He was like, Well, I got a pity blow job a couple weeks ago, but it wasn't anything great. And I know she didn't want to do it. So Cindy, my advice, or my question to you is, what the fuck? Like, how do you? How do you get over that? I think I have an idea. But I want to know, I want to pick your brain. What do you think? Actually, you know, at this has been like this conversation? I forgot. I I've been talking to a lot of people lately about that. So now that you brought it up, it's like it's something very common. Yeah, I have been married for like, seven, eight years. And I have an extremely high sex drive. But it's also is so it's not only one side, and people see that sexes work. And you know, even though you're in a relationship, 5-6-7 20-30 years, that's just never phase because that's a form of communicating with that person, like, hey, you know, what? Was it sex? Or is it like intimacy as a whole, because I feel like they kind of come hand in hand or go hand in hand, I would say intimacy is very important. Because if you have communication and you have intimacy, you're going to I mean, your relationship is going to last very long. But if you're not able to talk about those desires, and you're not able to say what you want and those needs to be fulfilled, then you're going to start looking at another place. It's just like, for instance, let's start with a kiss. How do you do that kiss? Do you like to be kiss with tongue or without tongue? Yeah, so I, I've talked to this friend once before and years ago, he did actually cheat on his wife. And, and they're still together, they worked through it. And I thought that that was great. You know, like she was able to look past and they were able to go to therapy and work on the things that you know, the reason why, right? So I've always heard men cheat, because it's a physical thing. And I've always heard women cheat. Because it's an emotional thing that they're not getting from their partner. So, but I don't necessarily think that that's true anymore. What do you think? I think that look, I was with my ex husband for seven years. And we never like I never cheated on him. I was loyal as fuck. And I was I was having sex with them. Three to five times a day, sometimes in a week, we had seven times a week. And it never faded away. But then again, it also takes is communication. I mean, how are you getting that person to bed? Or you say like, Hey, let's let's just fuck. That's something that I despised him saying, Let's fuck. Oh my god, I cannot tell you I told my ex husband this and my current boyfriend. Don't ever fucking ask me that. Don't ever ask me that because that's going to turn me off. So bad because we feel like a whore. I mean, sometimes. Yeah. Do you want to feel like that dirty whore? I mean we're role playing I mean maybe yeah, I love my God said last last podcast that we filmed was with Jodi from XXoconnect. And she's the she's the sex therapist that we talked to. But I love that. She said I brought up the word foreplay and she was like, no, no, I don't like the word foreplay. Because it to I guess to get yourself to where you need to be to actually want to have sex with someone is not just a you know, like a 20 minute fingering you know, right before penetration. So I love the fact that she said that because it's it's like, you know, from the moment you wake up, you know, you want to do little things for your partner to be like, hey, later on, let's go. It's basically I would say it's just connecting with the person but it's not like okay, I want sex I want sex You know, is what are you? What are the things that you're doing to get there? Are you Like the touch with a kiss with a looking in the eyes. I mean, are you finding those things that your partner is looking for and wanting and desires? Because then it doesn't matter. I mean, there's usually saying they're say, they say, Hey, you know what? Women don't like having sex after marriage. Justice not true. I mean, you and I both been married, like, I think married sex is great. I mean, I mean, I mean, yeah, I mean, I like to be choked, and all that too. But anyway. But in this case, is are you what are you doing to get there? Or have you just like, because this is what things what happens in a usual married relationship is you're married, and sex fades away, you stop dating each other, you stop at communicating, and just become a potato couch. And that's it. And then it's just like, oh, you know what, let's just cuddle the same side. But when was the last time you had a date? With your partner? It is okay to have that date, and you don't have a date? When are you going to do it? When are you guys going to take time for each other you and you and her or him and him? It doesn't matter what sex or gender you are, is you always find that time to get together, like in one to two rule. The What have the two-two-two rule. So it's like, I guess this is for, you know, couples in like long term relationships. But it's every two weeks, you have a date night, every two months, you have like a weekend getaway. And then every two years, you have like a real vacation. And like my ex husband, and I used to do that. And granted, he's my ex for different reasons. But, you know, we did that. And I think that was really, really good for a few years span that we're, you know, we're actually good, but, and I do that, like with my current boyfriend now. And because I, you know, he works a lot, I work a lot too. So when we're home, it's not necessarily like we're focusing on each other, like, I run a business, he runs a business. You know, it's, it's hard to kind of like, get that one on one time. And also, I think another rule that we have is we put our phones away at 10 o'clock. So unless it's like an emergency, we don't, we don't typically answer the phone after 10. So as a so I'm going to answer your question on that, putting the phone away and all that. So let's say for instance, they say that you should put your kids to bed early. I put my kids around

7:00 - 7: 7:36

30 - 8 o'clock. They're not though. They're not. Because then if I were to have that special person or a relationship, I want to be able to give them time spend time together, talk to them. Because even though you live in the same house, are you both communicating and talking about how did your day go with a simple hello? I mean, you're frustrated, you're stressed, you have the daily wife's things going on. But do you even talk about that? Or like, hey, you know what? And then that actually, is something that people don't talk about. But then do you have or do you make time to for sex? Like a times in the morning? I mean, before my ex husband went to work, I would have sex with them. I mean, if that's the only time that you've gotten Yeah, take advantage of it for sure. And when he came back from from work the same thing to no kidding. Well, lunchtime, too, sometimes I would go see him at work. Lunchtime. Lunchtime sex in the middle of the day. Chef's kiss. Yeah. I remember when I lived that were in North Dakota. And he would be I think was swing shift. And I would come for lunch, but it was to have sex. I gotta get my sex. Okay, so that leads me to a question for you like, a normal average, everyday couple married couple or not? How often per week? Do you think that they should be having sex? Like, in my mind, depending on how busy you are? I want to say maybe one to three. Just depending on the schedule, I don't know, like, What's your thought on that? I see your face. You're like, What the fuck? Three? I mean, oh, gosh, I mean, for me, it would be three to five. I mean, at least on a daily basis, at least two times, but during the weekends is going to be a little bit more. Because then I mean, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, that's the more time I have and I can make more time. So it's going to come down to the person like is your sex drive enough? And then this is something that we're going to talk about too, because, okay, does a person have erectile dysfunction, like my ex boyfriend he had ever told this function. And it was like is that person Also, are you attracted to that person? Because sometimes people get married and they're not even sexually attracted. Like, the first time, I was not sexually attracted to my ex husband at all. Oh, gosh, do I really want to have sex with this guy? What do you think? So I've always heard that women hit their peak sexually around like mid 30s. And men hit their peak at around like 18. So I feel like because I'm 35 I know you're around my age, too. So like, did you feel a shift? I guess in your sex drive, when you I guess I got I don't know, got a little bit older. I've always had a very high sex drive. Even when you're younger, I wonder I just wonder like, because for me, like when I turned 35, it was like, oh, let's fucking go. You know, it was I wanted to do it all the time. Like, I could do it multiple times a day. And there was but before that, it wasn't I didn't have that same feeling. No, before. I mean, I remember when I was like, with, because it with my ex husband has been the person that I've had the most sex. And it was like, we would do probably five to seven times a day. It was insane. The amount of sex we had. And hopefully, hopefully, gosh, but it's, I mean, it was every single day. I mean, but I don't know because so I started my my sex journey, meaning I lost my virginity when I was 19 years old. And I really didn't get into any serious relationship till 22 When I actually got married to my first ex husband. So I really didn't play around that much. So wonder that has to do something just because late in life, I started late, and but it has to come down to the person I would say, it has to be like, do you actually like sex? And that these are questions before you even get married to someone, or you even have a relationship with someone you have to talk about these things? Do you like? Do you like to get your pussy eaten? Do you like oral? No, then you're not going to work for me? Do you like to kiss with tongue? Like my ex boyfriend? He didn't like to get kiss with tongue. And I don't I didn't like that. So I mean, it's just like, that was not gonna work for me. I had one a couple years ago, he I already crossed a hurdle when he told me he wasn't circumcised. So I'm like, Alright, fine. Like, I'm just going to I'm going to deal with this because I really, really like you not a problem. And it turns out, it wasn't a problem. So the issue with our sex life is that we got into this routine. So I don't remember how many times a week it happened. But let's say two to three. And it was always the same thing. Like, there was only two positions. And even after I asked like, hey, let's do like costumes. Let's do pigtails. Let's do you know, why don't you come on my face? Like, you know, stuff like that? And he Yeah, like he shot it down. And so what I want I wanted him to go down on me. And he was he was adamant. No, no, no, no, no. So I finally found out that there was two girls in his pass, that were not clean. And that's why he didn't he's scarred for life. I don't know how old he is now. Maybe like 38-39 but scarred for life. I feel sorry for the next person that he takes. But I hate that like these past experience it like it's so important, I think for for men, especially to educate themselves on this kind of shit. Because it's, like Jodi said last week, like there should be a scent but never smell, you know? Like, it's okay to be like, I don't want to do this and just walk away. I would hate for that to ruin someone's sexual life going forward. So I completely agree with that too. Because let's say for instance, the guy I'm talking to, or the the guy I'm dating, we talked about heir, I don't like heir. I am lasered? I don't I don't do hair. I don't like hairy I don't like any type of pubic hairs anywhere around my mouth. So I mean, no, no, no, You never No, no, no, you're totally right. Like, I would prefer a guy to be like trim, but in like groomed, but I don't want I don't want like a naked mole rat running around. You know, like, you mentioned that like the conversations that we're not having up front before getting into a relationship before even having sex. Yeah, because then you're probably having sex with the wrong person that you're not you know, pretty good darn well, but it's not even gonna make you happy. Like, I love role playing. I love dressing up. I love wearing laundry. But yeah, all my all the people that update it. They don't like any of that. So what the heck am I looking at? Then? No. Yeah, I mean, do you like trying new things? Of course. I mean, that's what I like. But you have to have these conversations upfront. And this is why a lot of people are uncomfortable. Are they comfortable? Are they scared that they're going to be judged? Because they like feet? Or hands? Or that's something that turns them on. But if you're upfront with this, you would you would actually save yourself so many headaches? Yeah, I think men really get the brunt of that too. Because, you know, as a guy, you don't want to ask the girl that you're seeing like, what are you into too soon? Because then she's gonna think that you're a fucking creep, and then probably ghost you or something along those lines. But I mean, what do you think is an appropriate time to bring that stuff up? Like, I know, you're dating a new guy, and I know that you're very, like, forthcoming with things that you want. And I, I have the utmost admiration, that you do that. But when do you so okay, let me rephrase my question. Since this guy is new, and you guys have clearly had conversations, like, when are you going to have sex with him? Like, do you have like a, however many dates in mind that you're like thinking like, oh, I need to have five, and then we're good to go. I'm actually not even thinking about having sex for them. And it's because I don't want to waste my bodily fluids, and someone that I'm not going to have a future with. I don't want to, but I mean, our bodily fluids on you, motherfucker, I look as much as I want someone to actually eat me out really, really bad, because I haven't had anybody eat me out. And over two years, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna waste my time. I don't blame you. I don't blame you. But you will find like, you gotta find a guy that really, really, really loves to do that. You know what I mean? Like, because that guy knows what the fuck he's doing. So on our first date, we actually talked about all of this stuff, sex and all this. And he was like, Look, sex is really important for me. And I'm like, Look, sex is really important for me too. But we both have come into an agreement that neither of us is going to have sex, because we just want to make sure that we are the right person for each other. Of course, you don't want to waste our time, we, he wants to have kids he wants to have, he wants to get married. And I want the same thing to I'm open to having more kids, but I'm not going to waste my time in a relationship for six months to a year to two years, and then be like, Oh, it's all because of lust. And once you kiss someone is you get emotional, then all of these things surface up. And then you start, then you're, there's they're not a binder cycle comes in, and I'm like, um, but it's all about communication. It's all of these things. How much? Do you have a high sex drive? Or do you have a low sex drive? Do you like to roleplay? Are you? Are you willing to try new things? Or are you just missionary style? Nope. You know what, and you know, I don't see anything wrong with missionary. Like, I think that that is a great position. But it can't be the only position. You know, like, I don't know, I always appreciate a man that can flip me around, spice it up. You know, it doesn't have to be like super crazy every single time. But like, if we're doing the exact same thing every single time, and we're in like a 10 minute routine from start to finish. I'm sorry, but like, I'm fucking out. I can't, I can't do that. Like, I need to know that you appreciate me and want to be with me. And, you know, I know. We talked about intimacy earlier, like before we started recording, but like, that is such a major fucking. I guess, part of the, you know, piece of the puzzle, like you have to have intimacy and it's more than just sex. You know? Yes, intimacy is so important. And people don't know what intimacy intimacy is anymore. Yeah, I agree. I mean, it's almost like chivalry, in a sense. I mean, it's, it's not the same, but I feel like they can go hand in hand almost like, I love the like, the simplest things, like if I'm doing dishes, and boyfriend comes up and like, kisses me on the back of the neck, like, oh, okay, weak in the knees, you know, like, pull down my pants, like. I mean, it's, like, especially men, like in the 20s, you know, like, they're not very experienced, don't really know what to do. Like, I wish that they could take a class on intimacy because it's so much more than just penetration, you know? And it's just like, I mean, you should actually Just like, I don't know, it would be like a teaser. You know, that would be like a grand prize. Especially having, like, appetizer would be like role playing. Yeah. That would be the appetizer, but the grand entry or dessert, but he. Yeah, and it's just like the most amazing experience is when you guys can actually have an orgasm both of you the same time. Yeah, I have never met. I've never been able to do that. Oh my gosh, I it's been a very, very long time. For me. I've always wanted to because like, I'm sure you know, like, you can control it with toys. So I've always wanted to try that. Like, because obviously with a toy, it's more intense too. So one day, one day, it'll happen. One day, it'll happen. I mean, it's been since my ex husband for me. So yeah. I to be honest, like, and my ex and I were like, we've not been together for almost four years at this point. But I don't remember having sex. I mean, I do remember having sex with him. But I don't remember how it was. And I don't know if that's like a trauma, a trauma response, like blocking the shit out. But, and he's not a bad person at all. I don't want to say anything negative about him. But like, I don't remember. I know that's the first time we tried anal. But I mean, I mean, yeah, I mean, with anal. I mean, you can actually I mean, there's so many good things about anal. And a lot of women are afraid to try it. Yeah, there's a lot. You can actually have orgasms through anal. How you can. It's a good thing. It's a good experience. Yeah. Finding that person that will actually be able to fill all your needs. Yeah. Yes, I know. I keep bringing Jodie out. But I our last podcast was one of my favorites. I think I loved talking to a sex therapist, because I think you and I are both you know, sex minded almost. And not almost. But um, I love Joe Jody, because like everything that we talked about, I brought back and I talked to my boyfriend about it. And I love that every every podcast that we have is the underlining tone tone is communication. So I told him, I was like, Alright, this is what you need to do. This is what I need. Like, I just like she was beneficial, like for me in my personal life, too. So I can't wait to have her back on the on the front. Oh, we are actually going to have her back in the next couple of weeks, which is awesome. And we're going to be talking about the intimacy. So we're gonna be so Savior's gonna be back. We're gonna have Jason back can be Jody, you and I, I love it. I can't wait. So XXOconnect.com is the website we're referring to Jason Liebowitz. And Jodi, who's the sex therapist over there. I cannot say enough things about this website. Because it's focused on therapy. We're in dating, but therapy to work on yourself before getting into a relationship and bringing your baggage and trauma into that relationship. Like I just, I can't say enough good things about it. And the people that were there phenomenal. Oh, no, they're amazing. I mean, Jason, Jodi, I mean, their quality and they're all amazing. I mean, it's it's basically building you up in helping you grow as a person emotionally, to have a healthy relationship, not only with other people, but with yourself, too. Yeah, I noticed that they do. They've got a yoga class on Friday. Thank you. Yeah. Hmm. I actually have to log in actually one of my so the dating coach that I had last year, I hired her. Her name is Lauren sola. And she's actually part of she's actually signed up in XXOconnect. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah. So you meet a lot of interesting people there, which is pretty amazing. Yeah. And they do I know that they also do like corporate wellness, like health and wellness stuff, too. So it's not just like, it's not just foot like laser focused on like, dating and, you know, all of that. But yeah, if if anybody's listening that wants to check that out, it's XXOconnect.com. And we do have a link in the last show notes with a code if you want to sign up and get 10% off. Oh, yeah. I'll go ahead and post that on this too. So then, but it's also it also has to do with mental health illness. It does. Yeah, definitely. Because nowadays, it's just like, dating nowadays in the modern world is hard. How? mentally, emotionally exhausting. Because you date sorry, go ahead. No, go ahead. Do you think that it Alright, so I saw a Tiktok earlier that was asking Millennials specifically like when are millennials going to have a midlife crisis? And stick with me because I promise this is relevant. So millennials not having a midlife crisis because think about like a midlife crisis, right? Like you've graduated college, you've gotten married, you've had a baby, you've gotten to be financially independent, financially stable, but Millennials are struggling with all that, right. So like, we almost have like, a, I guess, kind of like a quarter life crisis or like a every 10 year kind of crisis, our whole lives have been crises, you know, so like the housing market crash, we are not really all financially where we should be, I think as a whole compared to like the boomer generation or, you know, Gen, what is it Gen Z? I'm sorry, Gen X. Yeah, genetics. So I wonder, you know, when it comes to these little mini crisis's? Are we bringing all that baggage to our dating life and not actually working on trying to make that better? I don't know. I kind of that was in my brain today. And I wanted to just get that out. So today, actually, at the dealership, I was actually talking to this lady because she says these teenagers nowadays are suicidal. And she's like, how can people be suicidal when they're kids? You know, and it's just like, again, so much. I know. Me the other day, she was like, Mommy, what is gay mean? Because she overheard someone call another boy gay and my daughter is she's almost eight in second grade. I know that these questions are gonna come up. And I'm glad she's asking me because I can give her the real answer. But like, that's too soon. You know, like, I thought I had more time honestly. But in my case, I have to go ahead and my brother's gay. So my, my, my my kids are ready know what gay is? Things that couples but when it comes to Alright, so mommy, where do babies come from? Yeah. Oh, can we pick up the baby? And especially like, and I know, this is not. So I would my egg donation process. You know, my kids are experienced something completely different than the normal kid. You know? It's just like, oh, when are when are you picking up the baby? I'm like, so it's just like more deep depth, deeper conversations with these kids. That you're like, how do I deal with this? Why are they asking what's a virgin? Let's bring out bring up thanks, hocus pocus to what's virgin. Someone that has not lit a candle. Let's put it that way. No candles. Low candle. trans kids are only a couple years older than my daughter. But this weekend they brought up they asked they're like what's trans? And and I'm gonna give them an unbiased, non judgmental answer. Because I don't have personally I feel like I don't have any grounds to speak on. You know, like, if someone chooses or not, I don't want to say chooses if someone is gay, or someone is trans that is, that's just what they are. And we live in a society that we accept it, you know, so I don't want to sugarcoat anything or hide anything from her. So I tell her exactly what it is. And I also told her if this is something that you feel, that's okay. It's okay. You know, I never want her to feel judged. Because then I feel like she'll never come back to me and talk to me about anything ever again. And it's just like, I mean, it's, it's explaining how I mean, the kids are evolving rapidly. I mean, little girls are getting their periods and nine is Yeah, I mean, I I'm thinking it has to do all with the food that they eat. I think you're right, too. And it's just like, they get boobs. I mean, I I was a late bloomer. I my period was when I was 16. Oh, wow. I think I was about 12 I think I got boobs at like 11 But I'm still trying to get my boobs. Listen, I will give you some of mine gladly. Please if we did swap boobs for an ask that would be amazing. I have a nice ass you want to see my ass oh, I don't I well, I don't know if I do or don't boyfriend loves it. But I I'm like let me I don't want to do BBL because that's a little bit big. But I mean, I'm not opposed to not opposed to fat transfer. Let's just say that. I mean, I actually just go ahead and I work out a lot. And I didn't I mean, looking at my pictures back then till now it's just like I finally have an ass. Good for you. I mean, yeah, if you worked hard for that, that's fucking great. My trainer kills me. Squat. So I had a trainer for a couple of years. I did squats for an entire year. My ask did not grow. I don't know what happened. I blame my mama. I blame my mama. So my question is, was that a good eye candy? I mean, just asking for my mouth right now. I'm just kidding. Be be Be a good girl. Don't be naughty. It's more fun that way. No. No, so are on our next podcast. I think we're talking to Lisa, can you? Can you who is Lisa? What does she do? How do you so Lisa is she is actually she's a psychic medium healer. And she is QHHT, it means about dealing with trauma. So it's quantum healing? Therapy. That's awesome. It's yeah, it's like I say this. It is. Oh my gosh, it is quantum healing hypnosis technique. So one of the reasons I want to bring Lisa on is because it has to do with healing and the traumas that we have encountered in our life. And how do we have? How can we actually heal? So when that's one of the reasons she's going to be coming on our next on one of our next episodes coming up? I love it. I know that up to me. I was like, let's go. Absolutely. Like there's not even a question in my mind that was like, now we shouldn't do this. No, we absolutely fucking should. Definitely. I mean, it's just like, it's a different perspective. I mean, it might not be for everybody. But I've actually done it several times. My brother is certified. He does same thing, quantum healing. And it actually opens it actually helps you help heal and see things in a different perspective as well. That's awesome. I can't wait. I'm excited. Me too. I'm like, yeah, so So that's our next podcast is our psychic medium. So stay tuned for the next one. That Holly. Yeah. I think we have Thanksgiving. We do. Wait. Well, no, it's it's Friday, because this is going to release on Friday. So hopefully you guys had a great and amazing Thanksgiving with your family. You guys need a lot of pecan pie or pecan pie. Like potato pie, pumpkin pie. I mean, that's all in the menu for me. And lot's of luck with Turkey. You went on a turkey coma and you take your Black Friday shopping. Now you're officially cuffed? If I'm kidding, well, where's my where's my engagement ring? Oh, no, no, no. To soon I have seen so many. So many. I want to say TIKTOK. If I'm thinking about it correctly, but Costco has killer diamonds right now. They're not that expensive. So, man, if you're listening and you need to propose, go to Costco. Well, I mean, I had no idea. You know what, that would be so interesting, because a lot of people are announcing, they're like, Hey, we're having a baby next year, blah, blah. And I can't wait to see how many people are getting engaged. This next. Well, I mean, how many people have gotten engaged? Because we were talking in future but now present? Yeah. Wow. That is I'm looking forward to that. We'll have to keep a tally. 1-2-3-4-5 Now my question is will you make a path for Valentine's Day? Yes. We''ll see we'll leave you guys with that one. Get past valentine's day after being engaged. Yes. We shall see. All right, guys. Till next time